Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
