Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
