Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
