Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
