the condom got lost in my hair
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
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For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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