I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
