In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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