quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
