I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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