Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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