I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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