she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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