Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
