While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
