So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
