She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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