i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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