So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
