He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
