did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im six kinds of drunk right now
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
