So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
