I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
