I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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