funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
