Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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