i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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