I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
