Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
