My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
