sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
