I bet he comes in French.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
