i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
