I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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