Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
