how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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