1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
