I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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