i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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