Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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