When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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