just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
