Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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