my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
