Me too!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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