I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
