Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you had me at cake vodka
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
