I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
