I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
