Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
