Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
