Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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