So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.