Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.