saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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