My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
