end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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