id be glad to
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
