She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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